Belle Eva Unger
June 3 -- Hello, dear ones! As some of you might remember, I was the Around Our Town columnist for many years before my incarceration, and now that I have returned to live amongst you, our publisher and owner, Mr. Bart Miller (generous soul he be, helping me get back on my feet and all) has asked if I would revive my column. Not only will Around Our Town live once again in the Weekly Sentinel newspaper, but also the newly-launched internet Sentinel. Black on white or white on black makes no difference to me, of course, but isn't this just simply the most exciting thing ever?!?! Makes me all tingly, my pumpkins, it truly does! (xoxo) Well, let's get to it, shall we?
Freda Van Howser was thrilled when her son George and family showed up for a surprise weekend visit. Freda proudly says she found time to bake not only an apple, but also a cherry pie in between games of croquet on her front lawn with grand-daughters Pamela and May. Thought I smelled something delish cooling on your window sill, Freda! xoxo
This coming Saturday the Patchwork Quilters Club will hold their annual charity auction and bake sale on the lawn at First Methodist Church from 9 to 3. Proceeds will go to the Crocker County War Brides Association. Support our soldiers and their families! Bid, bid, bid, my kind-hearted citizens, and bid some more!!!
Lastly, things got pretty exciting around here two days ago when little Tommy Hiplicker plopped down a stack of papers on my desk. Seems Tommy had been crawling around in the caves outside of town and came upon a secret room where he stubbed his toe on a metal box. Inside the box was a stack of typewritten papers, which Tommy promptly brought to me for a look-see.
After I scanned a few pages, it didn't take me long to figure out it was a storyline written for a movie version of the novel, The Planet of the Apes. Now, dear hearts, here's the exciting part: turns out 20th Century Fox paid one of our hometown residents to write this storyline for them! None other than my cousin, Jasper McCutcheon!!! As you might know, cousin Jasper left Meddletonville long time ago and moved to California hoping to get rich and famous writing books of his own. Filthy books they turned out to be. Such a disappointment he is... )-: ... It is not likely any of his books will ever be made into movies, but nonetheless, I called him and asked if he remembered writing this here take-off on Planet of the Apes. His reply?
He says, "Yeah, I wrote it. What of it?"
"Nothing of it," I said. "Just wondering if you wanted to sell it at the Quilter's auction this coming Saturday."
He says, "No, cousin, that would be a very bad idea."
"All right, then, my dear Jasper, what do you want me to do with this story you wrote?"
He goes, "I don't give a flying fart what you do with it. Burn it for winter heat if you like."
Ooh, boy! Sometimes cousin Jasper makes me so mad I could poop. After I told him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine, I was forced to sit down and ask the Good Lord's forgiveness for saying such an awful thing to Jasper. Then I came up with a bright idea. I am going to publish his story myself. I am going to design a cover, scan and format his typewritten pages into a word document, and make a book out of it. After all, I have learned a few things since I went away. Didn't waste my years twiddling my thumbs or diddling my cell mates. I'll show mister smarty-pants a thing or two, and I will keep you all up to date as to my progress. Won't that be exciting, my snuggle-bugs?
Until next week, this is your Around Our Town editor, Belle Eva xoxo
June 10 -- Greetings, my heavenly angels. Never have I felt so proud to be a Meddletonvillian as I was this past Saturday. As you've probably heard, those awful people from PETA invaded the Patchwork Quilters auction and bake sale with a mind to protest Betty Compton's donation, her coveted 'possum pie. When she explained to them that there was no 'possum pie, that the 'possums this year have no meat on them, they called her a liar and proceeded to destroy every pie on the table looking for it. Thank goodness Clyde Jenkins and his boys were there to kindly escort those hoodlums off the premises. Sometimes, dear ones, fists do and should speak louder than words, especially fists belonging to our beloved and burly Jenkins clan!
Anyway, God truly does work His miracles, and He filled our hearts as everybody jumped in to bid on whatever remained of the tasty (but destroyed) cakes and pies so kindly provided by the quilting ladies of Meddletonville. Highest bid for a quilt went to Gertrude Hamm's stunning design of purple mushrooms on cream (she named it Alice for some reason!!), raking in a whopping $289.25! When all was said and done, last year's record was shattered and $772.60 raised for the Crocker County War Brides Association. God bless each and every one of us!!! xoxo
Did I mention that God works miracles? Well, my cucumber seeds, He definitely was by my side this past week. I needed every bit of His strength to read the vile story written by my cousin, Jasper McCutcheon. Terrible, terrible words they were. What with all the wild humans running around in the buff. And the astronauts! What horrible, horrible things he had done to them. Stripped and tied with ropes and suffering through bizarre experiments with electrical wires and manipulating monkey paws and milking machines and... well, it was nearly more than I could bear just to get through it. Somehow, with God's help, I did manage, at least enough so I could design a cover for his... now MY book!! (te-he!)
I asked him to send a picture of himself for me to use, but of course he sent one of himself naked. Disgusting man! Do you think it slowed me down? No. I just asked Jack to send me pictures of drunken Jasper passed out in his underwear (snapshots which I knew Jack had taken from the many times he's visited his uncle out west), and after a bit of morphing I proceeded with my plan.
Next, I concockted a deep space background and planet.
Plop! In goes my man in his pod, followed by the text, and BEHOLD! My book cover's front side.
And just to show mister know-it-all Jasper exactly who he's dealing with, I put myself on the back cover along with an explanation for the book, loosely following what I've told you here at the real Sentinel.
One thing's for sure, the folks at Amazon and Create Space sure do work fast. My book is already up for sale on their web site. See? Celestial Bodies of the Hairy Gorilla-Men
Well, I suppose I've rambled on about myself more than enough for this week, dumplings. Please do send me news of your goings and comings! Until next time, this is your Around Our Town editor, Belle Eva xoxo.
June 16 -- My dear Meddletonvillians, another week of spring has passed. I smell honeysuckle. I see lightening bugs. Can summer be far behind?
Good news on the book front. I learned how to configure Jasper's book for the Kindle reader. Yes, Belle Eva has gone electronic, so look for the Kindle version of Celestial Bodies of the Hairy Gorilla-Men to be available at Amazon any day now...
UPDATE: Shivers, my dears! I do feel them. (-: The electronic Celestial is now UP here: Celestial Bodies - Kindle Version
Our entire community was shocked to learn that Phelps County Sheriff Harley Sickle arrested our own Billy Clegg this past Thursday morning. As you know, Billy, being cousin to Clyde Jenkins, assisted the Jenkins boys in running those PETA folks out of town after they disrupted the Patchwork Quilters Club auction. Well, it seems one of the PETA ladies claims that during the may-lay, Billy Clegg fondled not one, but both of her breasts. Needless to say, none of us believes her story, but nonetheless, she did press charges and poor Billy is now in the Phelps County jailhouse.
Sheriff Sickle kindly emailed me some photos of Billy's booking, and as you can see, Billy was pretty upset when first brought in, but as reality hit home he got himself humbled lickety-split.
From the looks of these photos, I don't think prison life will suit Billy. He looks a bit scared. Based on my own experience and the things I saw after my arrest and processing at the Crocker County facility (seems like a lifetime past, dear hearts!) I think Billy had best suck in that gut and watch his behind!
The pitiful man. Now, I don't for one second think Billy belongs where he is, but Clyde and his kin don't have the funds for Billy's bail bond, let alone an attorney... so... ...
Well, blow me down! It's Belle Eva to the rescue!!! xoxo. Yes, my fellow-Meddletonvillians, it is up to us, and so I made this poster, pasted it to the front wall of our Sentinel building, and photographed it... unfortunately, NOT before some naughty snotties, or I should say, misfitters and tobacco spitters, crudely expressed their feelings about Billy or me or Dick's Tavern or the newspaper or ?!?!??
I'll be putting copies up all over town for them to use as target practice, so please, do what you can for Billy Clegg, and let's bring him home to await his trial.
Lastly, I hope all of us do take the time to honor our daddies on Father's Day this coming Sunday. Yes, my oh-so-sweet-potato dears, always remember that without the precious cargo our papas were packing, none of us would be here to celebrate their special day!!
Until next time, this is your Around Our Town editor, Belle Eva xoxo.
June 23 -- My, my, how the time does fly by like a pie in the sky. Seems like I just wrapped up last week's column, and here it is Tuesday again. First thing on my list of gots-to-tell-ya's is this: Charmin Tyrus called to tell me that she and her husband, Cleavon, safely made their trip to Litterton for his toe surgery. Actually, it was surgery on blockage in his leg causing the toe problem. After the cutting and an overnight stay on Friday, they arrived home Saturday in time to observe the activities related to the 65-year anniversary of the Korean War. Just one problem. Cleavon got a staff infection, and Charmin had to rush him to the Meddletonville emergency room.
Imagine my shock upon visiting them in OUR hospital on Sunday, that the operating room in Litterton had its windows open to air the place out. Can you believe it? In this day and age? Why, the germs in that room must run rampant. Imagine my double shock to learn that Cleavon's insurance won't pay for services at OUR hospital, which is why they drove all the way to that cess pool of a town (I'm sorry, but it is) called Litterton. Imagine my triple shock to learn that Cleavon served in Korea. I asked them why on earth they weren't signed up with the Veteran's Administration for their health care needs, and Cleavon said they told him he wasn't eligible. I told him that was pure horse-puckey. If he served overseas and was honorably discharged he gets benefits, and I told them that any eligible person who needed the benefits and didn't claim what they'd earned was a damned fool.
Now, I suppose Cleavon and Charmin had every right to smack my foul mouth with a back or forehand of their choice, but they didn't. She called the nearest VA first thing Monday morning and kept badgering them until she got to a person who gave her the right answers. And with that, my precious petunias, Belle Eva's good deed of the week was complete. xoxo
I must say, dear hearts, that as much as I do love my fellow Meddletonvillians, I am a bit disappointed with the response so far given to Billy Clegg's bail fund. This snapshot of the spittoon at Dick Dangle's Uptown Tavern should tell you why.
And the two quarters in that pool of tobacco spittle are mine! As for the note, that's from Cyrus "Pudge" Parker, and I suspect he's short on cash because his food bill is enormous, as is Pudge! Oh, well, Billy's arraignment is scheduled for later this week, so maybe afterward we will have more incentive to help him out of his predicament.
Last, I don't overly-enjoy talking about myself so much, but I received a phone call from the unlikeliest of people on Sunday night -- none other than my cousin, Jasper McCutcheon. I cringed upon hearing his annoying voice, fully expected to hear a long list of things I did wrong in producing his book, but I was oh-so very wrong. He liked it. He really liked it! He also had some ideas for future projects involving Jasper and Evangaline. My bumps are loosey-goosey and I'm preening like a peacock, my darling day-lilies. Hope to have more exciting news for you in weeks to come.
Summer has officially arrived, dear ones! Let's remember the importance of hydration. Gulp down any liquids your greedy lips can slurp. And cover your heads! Until next time, this is your Around Our Town editor, Belle Eva xoxo.
June 30 -- Greetings to all on the last day of what has turned out to be a splendid June (for everybody other than Billy Clegg!)-: Briefly, on the Billy front, the judge over in Phelps County granted a delay requested by those hifalutin lawyers representing that PETA lady, and Billy's preliminary hearing is now scheduled for next Tuesday. Pray for common sense to seize the faculties of this judge, dear ones, because nothing has changed with the spittoon, other than the fact we can no longer read the note from Pudge Parker. See?
It is good to know, at least, that some of the men around here do understand the importance of protection. Hopefully, so do the fellows over in the Phelps County jailhouse.
Speaking of Pudge, he dropped me a note to inform me he did not appreciate my poking fun at his over-abundant poundage. He also claims he is currently on a weight-loss routine that, according to him, is simpler than the simpletons over at the Charlie T. "Free" Wheeler Psyche Clinic and Terminal Happiness Home. Pudge says every morning he walks out his front door to the sidewalk. Next, he runs in a full sprint as far as he can, and then walks home. That's it. That's his exercise for the day! According to Pudge, he's been doing this for ten days straight, and each morning he goes a little further. Plus, he has already lost six pounds!!! By my estimation, that brings him down to near 400, and I say, "GOOD FOR YOU, PUDGE!"
One down side to his program is the ridicule he gets from one of his neighbors, Ethyl Veral. As some of you probably have experienced, Ethyl is not the most charming of personages. Always complaining about this, that or the other. Always finding faults with everybody besides herself. Anyway, according to Pudge, Mrs. Veral makes it HER daily routine to shout insults at him as he runs past the front of her house. Asks him if he's seen a ghost, or why he's running like a jack rabbit, or if the police are after him, or his ex-wife, or... well, you get the idea. Pudge says she's called him everything from a half-crazed hippo to a mastodon in musth (Did bull mastodons musth? Musth ave. They were elephantine like Pudge... oh, sorry, Pudge (-:).
Mrs. Veral even called Town Hall to complain that Pudge was breaking up the concrete of her sidewalk, but they told her the sidewalks belong to all of us, and their inspectors found no damage done by Pudge Parker and his running exercises.
Well, Pudge says that Mrs. "Poop on a Stick" (edited for profanity ... xoxo) Veral can kiss his sweaty behind (I'm sure it is that), and the more she hollers at him, the more will-power he has to lose weight by means of his clever and quick program. He wanted me to print this so she could see it, so I did, and let me add: You go, Pudge. Just don't have a heart attack, please!
All the events for our upcoming Fourth of July celebration are in the Community Calendar on page 2, but let me highlight for you what I most look forward to. The music!
Starting at 10 am over on the stage at the Courthouse lawn, Harry Hamilton's Hornblowers will be bedazzling us with their dixieland delights. At 1 o'clock, The Meddletonville High School Marching Bumblebees will parade the Courthouse square playing the Sounds of Sousa. And then, Barney and the Blue Glade Bluegrass Franks will give us all restless leg syndrome with their foot-stomping bluegrass and fiddle tunes, up until the sun sets and the fireworks commence.
Let's all have a firecrackling good time! And go easy on the whiskey during the day, folks. It does tend to make us a bit crazy and afixin' for a fightin'... and we don't want to end up locked up over at county detox!
Happy Birthday, U.S.A.!! Until next time, this is your Around Our Town editor, Belle Eva xoxo.
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